wannabe writer in need for feedback (short sample)

[pornwriter1]

So I've been writing porn reviews and articles for the last 6 to 8 years, but what I want is to break into the mainstream writing. I'm not that good at it because I didn't read enough, so my language skills (both in my native language and in English) aren't impressive at all. However, sometimes I have some ideas pf which I think as original. Here's a short piece I wrote (400 words) on an original idea, for some sincere feedback, as I don't have access to any other community as active and open minded as this one. Waiting for your feedback! Enjoy!

"Whining: The Cheap Evolutionary Pick Up Line

Whining! Complaining! Bitching! Regardless of how you might call it, this is the instinctive pick-up line craved deep into the genetic material of men. An immense turn off for any woman worth chasing, which cascades out of their mouths as result of an unconscious impulse. With subjects ranging from weather or health, to the deepest feats and insecurities buried in a man’s simple mind, complaining acts like a Saharan storm blowing dry the moisture of a woman’s most intimate part and kicking sand into her pussy to complete the havoc. But why are men so foolish? Why do they think complaining will attract any attention from their female counterparts? Because complaining is one of the instinctive chains a man can use to shackle himself to a woman. It is the first interaction man has with the woman kind. And all this is because of his mother.

Bitching 1.0.1 starts in the early days of man’s very existence. Although both genders of babies whine and cry, it seems like men remember this thing past their childhood and associate is with the trick that guarantees the attention of their moms. And since men unknowingly seek closure from females who resemble the behavior of the women that spew them out of their cunts, they try to get their attention in the way they know best. A mother will always react to the bitching of her baby, but that’s far from having something to do with the act of making a baby. A man could crave for rough sex or he could desire sweet love in the company of the woman he’s chasing. But once he acts like her helpless son, the rejection will quickly hit him and he won’t even find within himself the strength to complaint. Without knowing, the man is just throwing suffering, be it real or not, towards a woman. He is doing that betting on the chance that her maternal instincts will kick in and she will respond with empathy, kindness and attention. It’s an evolutionary dirty trick every man used at one point in his life. However, that trick is dead wrong. Although most women react to suffering with empathy, kindness and attention, that’s not what they seek when swimming in the mating pool. That’s not what she needs. That’s not how it works.

Honestly, I don’t know how it works, but it certainly does not work like that. It might be the disposal or resources, a witty personality spiced up with a sense of humor, good looks that prove some genetic material worth spreading, but it’s definitely not bitching about nonsense. So stop bitching about nonsense and start acting like the real fucking deal, would you?!

(btw, this is just a second draft because I'm too lazy to give it more than 2 rewrites)

[j3rkules]

You should definitely split the text into more columns. It is hard to read.