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Post your best jokes
I will get it started :thumbsup
DIVORCE VS. MURDER A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." |
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ?We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!! The man said, ?You can?t be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, ?Then you?re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.? The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ?I tried, but I can?t kill my wife.? The agent said, ?You don?t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.? Finally, it was the woman?s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. ?This gun is loaded with blanks? she said. ?I had to beat him to death with the chair.? |
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My friend came into the office looking distressed but smiling :Oh crap He said his wife had her bag stolen over the weekend and it contained all her credit cards etc.......I said " Did you call the police and file a police report " he replied "NO".
"Why not " thinking its stupid not to contact them ! "Well actually I will eventually" he said ,but im in no rush as the thief is spending less on shopping with them than the wife usually does" ! :1orglaugh |
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Why does a dog lick his cock ???
Because he can't make a fist :1orglaugh |
this thread will rock soon :) bookmarked!!
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Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick. |
I bumped into Steve Austin the other day whilst walking down Hollywood Boulevarde - he was looking a million dollars. He's really let himself go.
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A blonde and brunette are walking down the street when the brunettes sees her boyfriend in the flower shop.
"Great", the brunette said, "My boyfriend is buying me flowers for no reason" "And thats a bad thing?" The blonde asked "Well now I am going to have to spend the next 3 days with my legs in the air" the brunette explained..... The blonde then asked "Wouldn't it be easier to use a vase?" |
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My favorite blonde joke: A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the barmaid: "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" She glares at him and says: "Look at me. I'm last year's female kick-boxing champion. And I'm blonde. Now look at those two women playing pool over there. One has a black belt in karate, the other is an aikido olympic gold medalist. And they're both blonde. Now look at those two mean-looking chicks in the corner. They're the WWF tag-team champions. And they're both blonde. Now do you REALLY want to tell a blonde joke? The guy thinks about it for a bit, then answers: "Nah, you're right. I don't feel like having to explain the punch-line 5 times" |
I posted this one in another thread a while ago:
In a park in the center of the city is a statue of a young girl and a young boy, naked, reaching out yearningly for one another, but just not quite touching. An angel flies over the city every day, and every day sees this couple, reaching out for one another but just not quite touching, and feels very sorry for them. So one day the angel brings the two to life, and says: "For a hundred years I've seen you two reaching out to one another but just not quite touching. My powers are limited, I can give you half an hour only, but in that half-hour you can do whatever you've been wanting to do this past hundred years." The young couple gleefully jumps down from the pedestal and dives straight into the busshes next to it. There is much scuffling, flapping, heaving and panting, and fifteen minutes later they emerge, beaming with happiness and satisfaction, and climb back onto their pedestal. "Did you enjoy that?", asks the angel. "Oh yes. it was awesome!", they reply. "Well, you still have 15 minutes". says the angel. Don't you want to do it again?" "Yes!", the girl says to the boy, excitedly. "Let's do it again! Only this time you hold the pigeon, and then I'll shit on its head!" |
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:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh Thats awesome! |
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip, and then suddenly the most incredible piano music he's ever heard starts up. He looks around, but sees no piano, no speakers, no discernable source for the music.
Puzzled, he asks the barman: "Where is the music coming from?" The barman answers: "Well I've got this little guy about one foot high, playing this little piano under the bar." "No, seriously", says the guy, "where is it coming from?" "Well, if you don't believe me, take a look and see for yourself", says the barman. The guy gets up, walks around the bar and looks underneath. Sure enough, there's this tiny little man playing a tiny little piano. The little man waves and asks if he has any requests. Amazed, he asks the barman: "Where in hell did you get that little guy?" The barman answers: "Well, I was taking the trash out into the alley and saw this old dirty lamp. I rubbed the dirt off it, and suddenly this genie popped out and said 'I'll grant you one wish, but one wish only!' So now I have this little man." "Wow!", says the guy, "is that lamp still out there?" "I guess so", says the barman, "go out and take a look." The guy rushes out the back door and sure enough, there's this dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Out pops the genie and says: "I'll grant you one wish, but one wish only!" Beside himself with excitement, the guy yells: "I want a million bucks!" The next instant the alley is filled with a million shitting, quacking ducks. Disgusted, he walks back into the bar and says to the barman: "Man, this genie of yours has a real problem with his hearing!" "No kidding", says the barman, "did you really think I asked him for a 12-inch pianist?" |
blonde joke...
A blonde, brunette and a red head were having lunch discussing their teenage daughters. The Brunette said, "I went into my daughter purse last night and found a pack of cigarettes, I had no idea my daughter smoked!". The redhead follows with, " well, you think that's bad..I went into my daughter purse and found a little bottle of vodka. I didn?t know my daughter drank !" The Blonde chimes in..." I also went into my daughters purse last night and found a pack of condoms, I had no idea my daughter had a penis". |
Ok! There was an English guy, German guy and Gipsy guy!
They have these 3 tasks! First : to drink this amazingly strong whisky, Second : to find a bear in the cave and brake his legs!, Third : to fuck this gorgeous Japanese girl! So English guy take a glass of whisky, take a seep, and just bang down on the ground and faint!! German is next, so he take a seep, and mange to get in this cave, but the bear kills him! And finally is Gipsys turn! Her drinks up his whisky like its nothing and he go inside the cave looking for this bear!!! And after a few seconds you can hear shouting and grulling from a cave! And you can hear it real hard! So after about 15 minutes the Gipsy guy is getting out of the cave and says! "Ok where is this gorgeous Japanese girls so i can brake her legs!!!! :1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh |
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:1orglaugh
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Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one turns to the other and says...
"Does this taste funny to you?" |
Hilarious!
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A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out..'
The passenger was unimpressed.. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?' Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.' With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too. |
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Ed Zachery Disease
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room "Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass! |
What does a blond say after sex?
Thanks guys! |
Why we love dogs more than women.
Put your girlfriend, wife and your dog in the trunk of a car for an hour. Open the trunk and who do you think is the most exited to see you? |
been posted b4 but was funny
I saw a billboard sign that read-- NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-005-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower. |
Q: What's the worst thing about getting a lung transplant?
A: Coughing up someone else's phlegm! |
A guy walks into a bar and notices a guy sitting there with a head the size of a baseball.
Feeling sorry for him, he buys him a beer, walks over and says, 'Excuse me, I can see you're having a bad day, and I thought you could do with another beer'. Grateful, the small headed man accepts and the two start talking. Soon the conversation turns to the size of his head. 'It's a long story' he says. 'I'm an archaeologist and one day in the deserts of the Middle East I found this old bottle. Cleaning the sand off it with my shirt, I was surprised when suddenly a beautiful blonde Genie popped out from it!' 'Master', she says 'For releasing me I shall grant you any one wish.' 'Pondering this I say to her, I have been here alone digging for three long years, without a woman...I would like to make love to you!' 'Master, I can grant you any wish but that, for I must remain pure'. She answered. 'Ok then' I said to her 'How about a little head then?' Boom tish! |
Retox Josh
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Why did the Australian cross the road ?
I kid I kid :thumbsup |
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends." |
why, ???
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LOL, funny jokes up there.
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A California Highway Patrol officer was sitting in his police car across the street from a bar at 1:30 in the morning when he saw a man come stumbling out the door. The man, obviously inebriated, began walking across the parking lot. On the way to his car he dropped his keys and had a hard time finding them. Finally, after finding them, he made it to his car, but then it took him a couple of minutes to unlock the door. Once he got into the car he passed out. The cop was still watching him as the bar closed and the rest of the patrons left.
A few minutes after the parking lot emptied the man came to, started up his car and began to drive away. The Highway Patrol officer pulled him over and arrested him for drunk driving. After they get down to the police station the cop give the guy a blood alcohol test and the results come up 0.0%. So the cop asks the guy, "How is this possible" to which the guy replies - "Tonight, I was the Designated Decoy!" |
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Good thread! I needed a few minutes to laugh my ass off!
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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you give me a free beer?" The bartender looks at him and says "Sure, but it better be good. I've seen a lot of amazing things."
Upon hearing this the man opens up his coat and takes out a bag and out of the bag he pulls a small piano, a small stool and a Hamster. He sets them on the bar and the Hamster pulls the stool up to the piano and begins to play. The bartender says to the man "Hey, that is kind of amazing, but it's not the most amazing thing I've ever seen." The man tells the bartender to hold on a second and reaches once again into the bag. This time he pulls out a Bullfrog. He sets it down next to the piano and the Bullfrog begins to sing "Old Man River" accompanied by the Hamster. A customer sitting at the end of the bar says to the man "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!" He then offers to buy the Bullfrog from the man. The man sells the Bullfrog to the customer for $100 and the customer takes the Bullfrog and leaves. Seeing this the bartender says to the man "What the hell are you doing, you just sold a gold mine?!?!" To which the man responds - "Don't worry about it, the Hamster . . . . . He's a ventriloquist!" |
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A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says to him, 'Hey, we've got a drink here named after you!'
and the grasshopper says, 'What? Neville!' |
This guy named Jeff walked outside one hot August night to throw away a pizza box. There was raccoon by the dumpster, and he said to Jeff " Hey Jeff, don't throw away that pizza box."
"why not?" Jeff asked the raccoon. "For each piece of crust you have, I'll grant you a wish." said the raccoon. Jeff peeked inside the box and saw that there were three pieces of crust. Jeff contemplated what the raccoon said for a moment. My wife is sick with Leukemia, he thought. I'm also late with my car payment and I'm bald. I can ask the raccoon to cure my wife's illness, so we can live the rest of our lives together. Then after that, I'll ask for 250 dollars so I can make my car payment. Then I'll wish for my hair back, so my wife will want to have sex with me after she gets out of the hospital. Jeff said "Okay, Mr Raccoon. I know what I want ---" just then, the raccoon leaped onto Jeff's face and clawed him mercilessly until his eyeballs became a pulpy jelly. Then he furiously raped Jeff's mouth and shot his raccoon load down his throat, almost choking him to death. Then he took the pizza crust and ran. 3 months later, a sightless, disfigured Jeff gave birth to a litter of half raccoon butt babies. |
two kids, boy and girl are playing at the sands, and the boy put by mistake hand betweek girls legs, and "ooops, you are also a boy?" and she said "no, i just made a poo"
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Jon Clark
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A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says
Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years. The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit ? She said No, I don't think you understand - my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales... |
haha some good ones
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I ran into my ex-wife the other day and I was suddenly overwhelmed by two overpowering urges at the same time. The urge to fuck her and the urge to kill her.
The the real dilemma....... which to do first. If I fuck her first, we'd be arguing just like when we were married. but If I kill her her first, we'd be fucking just like when we were married. |
Heh, someone just forwarded this email to me:
Dad at the Mall I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'what?s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Without missing a beat my dad replied: ?I got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.' |
A young boy asks his mum "mum why am I black?".
His mum answers "from what I remember of that party you're lucky you don't bark!". |
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