~~A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously...~~

~~Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
~~A day without sunshine is like, night.
~~On the other hand, you have different fingers.
~~I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
~~42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
~~99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
~~I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
~~Honk if you love peace and quiet.
~~Remember half the people you know are below average.
~~He who laughs last thinks slowest.
~~Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
~~The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
~~I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
~~Support Bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
~~Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
~~A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
~~Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
~~Get a new car for your spouse, It'll be a great trade!
~~Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
~~Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.
~~If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple payments.
~~OK, so whets the speed of dark..?
~~How do you tell when your out of invisible ink?
~~If everything seems to be going well, You have obviously overlooked something.
~~When everything is coming your way...Your in the wrong lane.
~~Hard work pays off in the future, Laziness pays off now.
~~Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
~~If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?
~~Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
~~What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
~~I used to have an open mind, But my brain keeps falling out.
~~I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
~~Why do psychics have to ask your name?

~~~~~ And The One I like most~~~~~

~~Inside every older person is a younger person wondering... "What the fuck happened?"

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in
walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished,
one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got
wasted."

The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will
marry my mother next year."

Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response
from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never EVER marry my
mother!"

The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you fucking
bastards please pass the salt?"

Executive Fantasy

A rich business executive sees an ad in the Wall Street Journal for the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million.

The mogul decides that he must have it, and assigns half a dozen assistants to track the car down for him. After months of searching, the car is found, bought, and delivered. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin.

At the first stop light, an young man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa. Without an invitation, the young man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"

"About 270," answers the executive.

"No way," says the young man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the young man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.

Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the young man on the Vespa.

"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the young man on the Vespa that crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. "Is there anything I can do for you?

"Yes," replied the young man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."

Chuckle,chuckle !!!



Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure
do," he replied while he reached into his golf
bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie,
"Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will'" the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there,
waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and
the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells
his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

what is hairy, wet, and starts with a "c" and ends with a "t" ?








































Coconut :winkwink:

What starts with "F" and ends with "U-C-K"?






























Firetruck.

A statue of a man and a woman got struck by lightening and all of a sudden came alive...they took one look at one another , grabbed hands and ran off into the woods....only to return hours later and out of breath.....the male statue looks at the female statue and proclaims "next time you hold the birds down and I will shit on them" :Graucho

Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game (before
Whoopi Goldberg) will appreciate these. These are from the old Hollywood
Squares show in the 70's.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A: Don Knots: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What
will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when
a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his
butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the
baby was his and asked what was he going to do about
it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat
until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar,
and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the
meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be
16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been
counting too, tell your mother, when you take this
parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat
she'll get, and watch the expression on her
face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman
nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell
him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free
groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression
on HIS face!"

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After
her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and
the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical
health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those
things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?
Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him
out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical
health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those
things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the
bell ring 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"

fitty.

This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat
herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very
night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant,
but nice all the same.

The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total is
150 bucks! She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter, "Would
you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?"

The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never
been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he
obliges.

She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity
gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door. "I'm
sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do
that just now?"

"Oh it's quite simple really" she replies "I love to have my breasts
held when I'm being screwed!!!"

great thread :1orglaugh

Little Red Riding Hood is on the way to her grandma's house. As she skips along the path, a bunny rabbit stops her and says, "Hey Red, where're ya going?"

"Over the river and through the woods, to my grandma's," Red replies.

"Oh, no! You can't go that way! There's a Big Bad Wolf, and he'll grab you and pull up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties and fuck you!"

"I'm not worried," Red says serenely, and goes on her way.

A little farther down the path, a fluffy duckling stops Little Red Riding Hood and says, "Hey Red, where ya going?"

"Over the river and through the woods, to my grandma's," Red replies.

"Oh, no! You can't go that way! There's a Big Bad Wolf, and he'll grab you and pull up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties and fuck you!"

"Not a problem," Red says, and off she goes.

Red finally gets to her grandmother's house, and just as she comes to the front steps, the door bursts open and a huge, snarling wolf jumps out, huffing and puffing and growling. "Little Red Riding Hood!" the wolf howls, "I'm gonna grab you and pull up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties and fuck you!"

Red drops her basket and calmly pulls a .357 mag out of her pocket. "Oh no you're not," she says, pointing her gun at the wolf. "You're gonna eat me, just like the storybook says."

Another Little Red Riding Hood joke:

Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to Grandma's house, and every time she stops to pick flowers for her sick grandma, one of the woodland animals will stop her and warn her: "You better be careful -- there's a Big Bad Wolf around here, and he'll eat you all up!"

After she's been stopped three or four times, Red's really getting irritated about this -- all she ever hears about is this wolf that going to eat her!

She gets to Grandma's, and before she can knock on the door, it's thrown open to reveal the Big Bad Wolf, dressed in Grandma's clothes, drooling and snarling hungrily. "Little Red Riding Hood, I'm gonna eat you all up!" the wolf growls.

Red throws her basket down and stomps back down the path in disgust, snapping, "Eat, eat, eat! Doesn't anybody FUCK around here?!"

<b>HOW TO FIGURE OUT IF YOU ARE REALLY A REDNECK:</b>

** You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

** You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

** The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

** You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

** You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

** You come back from the dump with more than you took.

** Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

** Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

** You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

** You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

** Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

** You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

** Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

** A tornado hits your neighborhood and does over $100,000 worth of improvements.

** You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"

** You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

** Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

<b>For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards,
they are awarded annually for the most extreme act
of (occasionally terminal) stupidity -they are now in for 2002</b>....enjoy.

First Place -
The 2002 Darwin Award Winner: When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
************************************************
And now, the honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
*******************************************
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He
then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
********************************************
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
**************************************
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.
If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
*************************************
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief
ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze,
mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!" ****************************************
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
*************************************
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a
positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from."
*****************************************
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
*******************************************
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
Running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
***************************************
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

:1orglaugh

I hear good things about golf.....



Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 am on
Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town, and they
were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May
I join the group? They were hesitant, but said she could come once to
try it and they would see what they thought. They all agreed, and
she said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up setting a course record under
par. The guys went nuts, and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated
her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily
invited her back the next week, and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at
6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed and matched her under score of the previous week.

By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the
group for keeps. They had a beer after their round and one of the guys
asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right and
left-handed for the day?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the
golf course, I pull the cover sheet off my husband who sleeps in the
nude. If his "you-know-what if is pointing to the right, I golf
right-handed; if it's pointing to the left, I golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."