madawgz

wow this was a fun thread to read lol

sucks about your situation tho..

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NikKay

We have a long history so it's not a matter of being tied down before we knew each other. In fact, no ones tied down now. I don't believe in "Til death do us part"... if things don't work and they can't be fixed than all involved should go on to greener pastures.

NikKay

That's totally the main problem. I'm taking the kids to the park and he doesn't want to go because he'll get alone time on the video games, or I come home from work and the house is a mess and dinner needs to be made and homework needs to get done and he's downstairs gaming all night while I'm doing everything by myself... that's the kinda stuff that bothers me.

Agent 488

how long has he been like this?

NikKay

Our history is a really long story but basically this has always been a potential issue... it's just worsened to the point that I have to do something about it the past few months.

Tom_PM

So have you tried simply exressing how it makes you feel, or do you just tell him that he plays video games all day long and it's annoying?
It sounds very parent - child like so many relationships are.

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NikKay

It's really not. I read a lot so I've read tons of psychology books and I try to always use that "This makes me feel..." rule. He's the only person I've ever known that it doesn't work on. He takes it personally no matter how it's worded. Our therapist has convinced him that another person's feelings aren't a personal attack on him so that has been very helpful. He just says that he wants me to simply tell him what I expect so he can do it. The problem with that is this is life and I don't expect him to play video games between, say, 8-10PM Wednesday through Saturday. We're living a life that has various demands at different times and different days. I can't give him a hard schedule that will get everything done. We just need everything to be balanced.

I just feel like right now he's feeling resentful (albeit understanding) of where I'm coming from. I think he realizes that his desires are conflicting (he wants a family but he also wants total freedom). How he will resolve that I am not sure.

_Richard_

sounds like there is a power unbalance that needs to be addressed. if my gf 'told me' the times i should be 'doing stuff', my gf would be going to a masseuse

Tom_PM

I can see a bit of myself in that answer of "just tell me what to do so I can do it", but at that point I've usually thrown up my mental hands anyway. I'm the type that likes to resolve a problem if there is an argument, and if there is an argument there'd better be a real problem that needs resolving.

I would say again though that chances are he just likes playing the damn thing, and I say that because it's not as if something has to be wrong with you if he's spending time on something else. Motive is important I think in being able to live with crap we wouldnt choose.

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Platinumpimp

Try to start a conversation with him about this without getting bitchy?

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Scott McD

Challenge him to a one vs one deathmatch at Modern Warfare 2 to resolve the issue...

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NikKay

I'll stop being a bitch when men stop being assholes. ;)

Agent 488

how old are the kids?

what do they think about their zombie dad?

NikKay

I have ZERO desire to tell him when to be doing stuff... he WANTS me to tell him so he doesn't have to think about it. I want him to be aware of his surroundings and make sure things are balanced.

Ah well... looks like this is a typical male-female issue and thus I shouldn't feel too badly about it anyway.

NikKay

I seriously cannot believe this thread is still going.

I do not have any concerns that he prefers the game over me... honestly. My concerns are that he can't seem to balance it with other things. Like, he'll say he's going to play until midnight (because he has to work the next morning) and then play until 4AM. The lack of control is my worry. I know he's aware that kids need to get fed and trash needs to get taken out... but he needs to have the control to stop the game and make sure that stuff gets done.

_Richard_

i think someone has some roses and dinner coming her way ;)

BardMan

How is he going to protect his family from the war if he cant kill 11 year olds screaming nigg a this nigg a that....lol

I have a similiar addiction but I make sure most of the household things are done including kids bathing and eating homework etc. I might dabble on the weekends but the the kids and wife are asleep....its war with the brothers in arms

I dont play during the weekends during the day because I have too much going on plus the wife will kill me and I need some peace in the world

she would rather see me not playing but laying on the couch doing mindless shit like watching TV is OK. I say its not OK. I do what I like to do and I enjoy it. I shouldnt stop because my wife would prefer me to watch TV that I hate.

dirtybaker1331

Sounds like a case of Modern Warfare 2 to me. Get yourself an xbox to put in the other room and join his game. Learn how to play and you guys could have countless hours of fun together. OR give him some INCENTIVE to get off the game. ;)

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eroticsexxx

@NikKay:

Your concerns are well-founded and you do appear to be handling the situation as best you can, given the circumstances.

My suggestion, if I may be so bold, is to bundle up the kids and take them to a sitter (or family member) several times a week over the next month or so and designate a little "me" time for yourself.

If he decides to join in whatever you plan on doing, then allow him, but definitely set aside things that focus on you.

This could alleviate the stress of handling things yourself and might ease those feelings of resentment. He obviously was able to do something right to get you to marry him, so give him a few more chances to reacquaint himself with what brought you together in the first place.

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CDSmith

Solution: And this comes after reading every response of yours in this thread --- you and your man need a vacation. Just the two of you, alone somewhere where it's tons of fun and no video games. Hot, beachy and exotic or high up, snowy and ski lodges, it makes no difference. Without all the usual distractions and trigger points it will get the focus of your relationship back where it belongs -- on each other. Thus it should be longer than just a week. Hell it will take him a week to get his head out of game mode.

If he won't go, leave him.

Guys get this into video games usually for one reason.... escapism. What might he be either consciously or unconsciously wanting to escape from in his life? Has the therapist asked him that or explored it?

By the way, what specific games is he most into playing? Titles please. Whatever it is that he's playing 60+ hours a week it must be a badass game. :D

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CDSmith

By the way Nikkayyyy have you seen this thread?...

http://www.gofuckyourself.com/showthread.php?t=947204

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GAMEFINEST

you shut up and let him do what he wants..carry on

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moeloubani

we gave women equal rights, the same jobs as guys, the same money, for fucking fucks sake let us keep our video games and move the fuck on

Overload

rofl, moonstruck and PMS ... i play every now and then ... www.nitrome.com is a neat way to distract from work every now and then

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MetaMan

Straight up you should only be messing with guys like me 6'3 athletic and a cock that goes deeper than sammy sosa.

im outgoing and fun, and i will put up with your bitchyness by giving you a good pounding.

what you need is a real man. just make sure your "xbox boy" knows you are about to fall in love with a REAL MAN. ME.

if you want to be treated like a real independent woman and want a real man to rock your world like fucking woodstock contact me.

mynameisjim

Could be he's really competitive. For me it's the competitive aspect of shooters like MW2 that suck me in.

But in reality, 20 hours a week is not a lot. Most average people watch 10-20 hours of movies or TV a week. So if you don't watch TV and instead play video games, there is really no difference.

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MetaMan

i think you are mixing the words competitive and loser up?

COMPETITIVE you go shoot hoops with the boys.

LOSER stays home and plays video games with his cock in one hand and controller in the other.

heres a friggin hint GET A LIFE.

WiredGuy

Having actually known you and your guy from SF, I'd say you should make him break the habbit of video games. On the first day in SF you could definitely tell he was out of place and a little uncomfortable which is normal for our parties, but by the last night he was having a great time and trying tons of new things. I'd suggest to keep it up, get him to be very social and keep him busy with other activities, going out, parties, friends, etc. I used to be a big gamer and these days I don't even own an XBox or PS3 as I don't want to waste my time on games anymore. It'll take a while since he's obviously comfortable in his games, but over a few weeks he should start to appreciate other activities a lot more.

Hope this helps Dena!
WG

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mynameisjim

lol. I forgot you play the "bad boy" character here on gfy.

I race BMX bikes and downhill mountain bikes all summer. Ranked 14th last year nationally in my age group. But I guess "shooting hoops" is cooler, right?

I was watching an interview with Usain Bolt (fastest man on Earth) and he was saying one of his favorite things to do when not racing is playing video games on line. Truth is, competitive guys enjoy on line gaming.

Some people are just living in the past and think games are only for nerds, the same way people thought the internet was only for nerds a few years ago.

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MetaMan

People who have to talk about their accomplishments normally dont have any and have to talk bigger about the very few things they are "good at".

BMX what are you 18? and yes i am a bad to the bone mofo.

why the fuck do i care wtf Usain Bolt does? if he sets another world record are you going to race to the track and suck his cock?

mynameisjim

lol. Don't you just talk about how good you are at fucking women? I guess you suck at it then.

But I'm done with this thread, I gotta get back to my video games. I'll let you be the tough guy around here if that's important to you.

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Slick

Oook then, I can see your point. If he's not doing things with you and neglects things around the house just to game, then I can see your point, that'd get pretty frustrating.

Sure video games are fun, but family and home needs to come first.

LoveSandra

dav3

Just wait until March 2nd rolls around. If he is so attached to MW2, just wait until Bad Company 2 comes out. You won't see him for a YEAR.

hahahahah

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SRT8

everything in moderation is healthy. i suggest counseling or sitting him down and letting him know how u feel and maybe he will take a second look at himself and realize he has a problem.

d-null

some people are just not as compatible as others, I've had girlfriends that loved nothing more than sitting for hours gaming or puttering around online, and we had a great relationship without any hassles

if he is not the type of guy that counts "having friends over" as great fun, you are only going to torture him by insisting on that kind of thing... for some people, taking them away from something they love to do to force them to interact with people is like the ultimate punishment


there are guys that like to socialize every waking hour, and those are the guys that make good matches for the type of woman that counts that as a priority (although I supect you'd have more issues with fidelity with guys that are big into socializing compared to the guy that likes a peaceful life with minimal stress in front of his videogame console)

Nodtveidt

NikKay, I used to be a video game addict myself so perhaps I could shed some light on the issue you're facing.

This may not apply to your case, but I'll give you some details of mine. At the time, I was also with a gorgeous, sexual woman who I had built a relationship with over the course of some years. I had always been a video game lover, but it was denied to me when I was a kid. So, I had spent the early part of my adulthood "getting back" what I felt was lost, which was as much video game time as possible, even at the expense of my relationship. On top of that, I saw it as an escape from the harsh realities of life. I did not have a job (couldn't keep one) and life was difficult. I found solace and comfort in video games...moreso than what was provided by my woman. Simply put...the games did more to dull the harshness of life than my woman did.

Ironically, not long after we had split up for good, my obsession with video games pretty much disappeared. It led me to believe that the woman I was with was actually a part of what created that stress and need to escape...not the root cause, but certainly a contributor. Nowadays, I do occasionally find myself playing a game for a little too long (especially RPGs), and sometimes it irritates the woman I'm with now (and have two children with). But now it's easy to recognize that something is wrong with life...there's a deeper issue involved, and it's making me seek an escape.

So in reality, it's a large number of compounded factors, not just a single issue. Like so many problems in life, if you try approaching it from a single point of view, you will not only fail to make any progress, but could actually make the problem worse. What you've stated leads me to believe that he has unrelated issues that fuel his obsession, and one of these issues is likely "a mother issue". Men who did not develop a good relationship with their mother during their childhood (as I did not) do not find it easy to form close bonds with women beyond a sexual level. They may eventually learn how to do this (as I did), but it is not as easy for them as it is for a man who had a good, strong relationship with his mother. The fact that he is unaware of what's going on around him and needs you to tell him to do things is a telltale sign of this; unconsciously, he needs a "mother figure" to give him direction. But the reason you're not having any luck in this particular aspect is because it's not getting through to him in the way his brain requires.

There's plenty else that can be said of this situation you're going through right now but I can assure you that you're not the only one who's having problems...he's got problems too. The both of you need to recognize and work on your own respective problems before trying to help the other with theirs. And believe me when I say that being a beautiful, sexually-open, money-making successful mother-of-his-children doesn't really mean a thing when it comes down to understanding a person's innermost feelings and needs. The two of you are clearly not on the same page.

Now what I'm NOT saying is to "just let it be". There is clearly a problem at hand. What I am saying though is that this is a problem that is not going to be solved easily, and in all reality, a therapist is likely gonna make it worse, not better. If anything, he needs a new form of escape, and it sounds like you do too.

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MrMaxwell

I don't fucking have to deal with stupid shit like video games or football
I'm fucking wonderful

d-null

you are reading too much psychological gobbledygook into the situation, you might be right, but your own situation might be way off from his, but that doesn't matter as much as when you say that "he needs a new form of escape", why is that? if he is happy with the form of escape he has now, then he may not want anything to change other than the stress he is getting from her about it

Nodtveidt

Perhaps. But when all else fails, an alternate point of view might come in handy. After all, she wouldn't have posted about it if she wasn't looking for ideas, right? His situation is probably not like mine was, but a wise person can read a case and see if there's any common threads, then see if any of the solutions might help. It can work, but it doesn't mean it will work. It's always worth a try though. But it's clear that his current method of escape is not conducive to their relationship. Furthermore, do we really know that he is happy with his present form of escape, or is it simply the most comfortable and accessible one for him?

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d-null

possibly, and I know you are trying to give positive advice

I know that trying to make someone change is often futile though and leads to more stress and unhappiness, than just letting it be and doing your best within yourself, perhaps the person may change a little bit on their own, but I don't think any case of trying to make a guy change and bringing in counsellors or therapists and all that bs will ever have a happy outcome

MetaMan

just what i thought you running away with your tail between your legs.

you jealous your not a BIG INTERNET TOUGH GUY?

HUH? punk

MrMaxwell

"He just says that he wants me to simply tell him what I expect so he can do it."


If he REALLY said that, to you.. run your ass, like hell
You are alot like Ms. Heather... alot.. and I cannot imagine her with such a crybaby wishy washy loser.. no fucking way.. seeing women like you with clowns like these makes me sick

Men don't put video games before family
SOME of us even know better than to waste our time on that or football

MetaMan

WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP TRY HARD!

god pathetic.

Nodtveidt

Bolded for emphasis. Very rarely do "professionals" really have much effect...they usually just make things worse. But yeah...when someone has a problem, they need to work it out on their own. One can only ever change one's own problems. What I'm suggesting, really, is perhaps a change of "distraction"...perhaps they need to go out and do things aside from the norm. Routine can be a real mindkiller, so maybe they just need a change of pace.

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iMind

My girl will bitch at me for playing games, and then turn around and watch TMZ and some other mindless bullshit for a few hours a night..

Which is worse ? her watching mindless celebrity trash for a few hours, or me entertaining myself while honing my reflexes, hand-eye co-ordination and problem solving skills?

Games are very much entertainment, but I think most guys agree that it's a different level of entertainment compared to even a great movie..

Some of the best games I've played gave me months of enjoyment, while a TV show or movie only lasts a few hours, and you're only a passenger on the experience, not a participant like in a video game.

for the record, I don't watch ANY tv, very few movies, but read lots of books, and play an assload of video games...

It's an addiction, but it's not unhealthy at this point, for me anyway.

donkevlar

It's fun. You're not... as fun.

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Nodtveidt

Well, I'll tell ya this...if my woman comes into the living room wearing nothing but my favorite lacy bra, it doesn't matter WHAT I'm doing...playing a video game, watching a movie, etc., it all takes a back seat to what's going to go on in the bedroom in about 5 seconds. Controller gets put down, movie paused, whatever...

The game/movie/whatever will be there when I get back. If I blow her off, she might not be there next time.

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kane

This sounds a lot like a situation someone I know went through. A friend of mine works with a woman who was married and had three kids. She started playing World of Warcraft. She didn't just play occasionally, she became obsessed with it. It got bad enough that on a few different occasions she forgot to pick her kids of from their sports practices or school. She would get home from work, change into her sweats and play the game until she went to bed. On weekends it was pretty much an all day event. At one point her computer broke. She was told by a family friend it that they would come out and fix it on Saturday. It was Thursday when it broke. She couldn't wait a day and a half so she went and bought a new computer. Eventually her husband took the computer away. She lost it and walked out on them.

About a month later they got divorced. After they divorced she continued to play the game for a few months and still plays it now, but not nearly as much. Now she says that she was very unhappy in her marriage and that she found solace of sorts from the game so it was her escape. Her husband seemed like a cool guy and even she said he was a good guy, but she just fell out of love with him and didn't want to deal with him anymore. The game was just how her feelings eventually manifested themselves.

I'm not saying you are in the same situation. Maybe he just likes the games and they are entertainment. Where other people watch TV or read a book he plays games. But I think there is probably a pretty good chance that he is unhappy about something and is choosing to bury his feelings in the game instead of facing them.

Ask him right out what he would do if you asked him to stop playing the games and get rid of the game console. How he responds will tell you a lot about where he stands.

Pornwolf

Find a new man. Seriously.

You will not stop a gamer from gaming until he's ready to quit. It's a real addiction.

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