Jokes all weekend - Page 2 - GoFuckYourself.com

CDSmith · 07-13-2003, 05:15 AM

fitty.

This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat
herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very
night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant,
but nice all the same.

The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total is
150 bucks! She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter, "Would
you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?"

The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never
been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he
obliges.

She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity
gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door. "I'm
sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do
that just now?"

"Oh it's quite simple really" she replies "I love to have my breasts
held when I'm being screwed!!!"

eiht_98 · 07-13-2003, 06:05 AM

great thread

thatdykeliz · 07-13-2003, 07:47 AM

Little Red Riding Hood is on the way to her grandma's house. As she skips along the path, a bunny rabbit stops her and says, "Hey Red, where're ya going?"

"Over the river and through the woods, to my grandma's," Red replies.

"Oh, no! You can't go that way! There's a Big Bad Wolf, and he'll grab you and pull up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties and fuck you!"

"I'm not worried," Red says serenely, and goes on her way.

A little farther down the path, a fluffy duckling stops Little Red Riding Hood and says, "Hey Red, where ya going?"

"Over the river and through the woods, to my grandma's," Red replies.

"Oh, no! You can't go that way! There's a Big Bad Wolf, and he'll grab you and pull up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties and fuck you!"

"Not a problem," Red says, and off she goes.

Red finally gets to her grandmother's house, and just as she comes to the front steps, the door bursts open and a huge, snarling wolf jumps out, huffing and puffing and growling. "Little Red Riding Hood!" the wolf howls, "I'm gonna grab you and pull up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties and fuck you!"

Red drops her basket and calmly pulls a .357 mag out of her pocket. "Oh no you're not," she says, pointing her gun at the wolf. "You're gonna eat me, just like the storybook says."

thatdykeliz · 07-13-2003, 07:54 AM

Another Little Red Riding Hood joke:

Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to Grandma's house, and every time she stops to pick flowers for her sick grandma, one of the woodland animals will stop her and warn her: "You better be careful -- there's a Big Bad Wolf around here, and he'll eat you all up!"

After she's been stopped three or four times, Red's really getting irritated about this -- all she ever hears about is this wolf that going to eat her!

She gets to Grandma's, and before she can knock on the door, it's thrown open to reveal the Big Bad Wolf, dressed in Grandma's clothes, drooling and snarling hungrily. "Little Red Riding Hood, I'm gonna eat you all up!" the wolf growls.

Red throws her basket down and stomps back down the path in disgust, snapping, "Eat, eat, eat! Doesn't anybody FUCK around here?!"

CDSmith · 07-13-2003, 05:59 PM

HOW TO FIGURE OUT IF YOU ARE REALLY A REDNECK:

** You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

** You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

** The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

** You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

** You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

** You come back from the dump with more than you took.

** Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

** Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

** You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

** You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

** Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

** You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

** Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

** A tornado hits your neighborhood and does over $100,000 worth of improvements.

** You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"

** You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

** Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

CDSmith · 07-13-2003, 06:20 PM

For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards,
they are awarded annually for the most extreme act
of (occasionally terminal) stupidity -they are now in for 2002....enjoy.

First Place -
The 2002 Darwin Award Winner: When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
************************************************
And now, the honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
*******************************************
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He
then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
********************************************
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
**************************************
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.
If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
*************************************
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief
ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze,
mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!" ****************************************
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
*************************************
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a
positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from."
*****************************************
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
*******************************************
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
Running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
***************************************
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

BlueDesignStudios · 07-13-2003, 06:29 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by CDSmith
HOW TO FIGURE OUT IF YOU ARE REALLY A REDNECK:

** You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

** You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

** The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

** You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

** You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

** You come back from the dump with more than you took.

** Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

** Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

** You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

** You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

** Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

** You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

** Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

** A tornado hits your neighborhood and does over $100,000 worth of improvements.

** You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"

** You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

** Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

CDSmith · 07-13-2003, 06:56 PM

I hear good things about golf.....

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 am on
Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town, and they
were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May
I join the group? They were hesitant, but said she could come once to
try it and they would see what they thought. They all agreed, and
she said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up setting a course record under
par. The guys went nuts, and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated
her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily
invited her back the next week, and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at
6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed and matched her under score of the previous week.

By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the
group for keeps. They had a beer after their round and one of the guys
asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right and
left-handed for the day?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the
golf course, I pull the cover sheet off my husband who sleeps in the
nude. If his "you-know-what if is pointing to the right, I golf
right-handed; if it's pointing to the left, I golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

07-13-2003, 05:15 AM	#51
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	fitty. This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant, but nice all the same. The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total is 150 bucks! She didn't expect this at all and asks the waiter, "Would you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?" The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges. She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door. "I'm sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now?" "Oh it's quite simple really" she replies "I love to have my breasts held when I'm being screwed!!!" __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-13-2003, 07:47 AM	#53
thatdykeliz Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: talkin dirty on the phone Posts: 1,026	Little Red Riding Hood is on the way to her grandma's house. As she skips along the path, a bunny rabbit stops her and says, "Hey Red, where're ya going?" "Over the river and through the woods, to my grandma's," Red replies. "Oh, no! You can't go that way! There's a Big Bad Wolf, and he'll grab you and pull up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties and fuck you!" "I'm not worried," Red says serenely, and goes on her way. A little farther down the path, a fluffy duckling stops Little Red Riding Hood and says, "Hey Red, where ya going?" "Over the river and through the woods, to my grandma's," Red replies. "Oh, no! You can't go that way! There's a Big Bad Wolf, and he'll grab you and pull up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties and fuck you!" "Not a problem," Red says, and off she goes. Red finally gets to her grandmother's house, and just as she comes to the front steps, the door bursts open and a huge, snarling wolf jumps out, huffing and puffing and growling. "Little Red Riding Hood!" the wolf howls, "I'm gonna grab you and pull up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties and fuck you!" Red drops her basket and calmly pulls a .357 mag out of her pocket. "Oh no you're not," she says, pointing her gun at the wolf. "You're gonna eat me, just like the storybook says." __________________ <font size="1" font color="black"><i><b>"No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater...than central air."</i> -- Dogma</b> ICQ#169.839.131</font>

07-13-2003, 07:54 AM	#54
thatdykeliz Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: talkin dirty on the phone Posts: 1,026	Another Little Red Riding Hood joke: Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to Grandma's house, and every time she stops to pick flowers for her sick grandma, one of the woodland animals will stop her and warn her: "You better be careful -- there's a Big Bad Wolf around here, and he'll eat you all up!" After she's been stopped three or four times, Red's really getting irritated about this -- all she ever hears about is this wolf that going to eat her! She gets to Grandma's, and before she can knock on the door, it's thrown open to reveal the Big Bad Wolf, dressed in Grandma's clothes, drooling and snarling hungrily. "Little Red Riding Hood, I'm gonna eat you all up!" the wolf growls. Red throws her basket down and stomps back down the path in disgust, snapping, "Eat, eat, eat! Doesn't anybody FUCK around here?!" __________________ <font size="1" font color="black"><i><b>"No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater...than central air."</i> -- Dogma</b> ICQ#169.839.131</font>

07-13-2003, 05:59 PM	#55
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	<b>HOW TO FIGURE OUT IF YOU ARE REALLY A REDNECK:</b> You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You come back from the dump with more than you took. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does over $100,000 worth of improvements. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?" You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is. __________________ Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!** ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-13-2003, 06:20 PM	#56
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	<b>For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity -they are now in for 2002</b>....enjoy. First Place - The 2002 Darwin Award Winner: When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... ********************************************** And now, the honorable mentions: The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. *************************************** A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. **************************************** An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. ********************************** A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?) ********************************* A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A -UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a -up!" ************************************ Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. ********************************* As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." ************************************* The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. *************************************** Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by Running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested. *********************************** A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. __________________ Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!** ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634

07-13-2003, 06:05 AM	#52
eiht_98 Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: EU Posts: 6,103	great thread

07-13-2003, 06:56 PM	#58
CDSmith Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2001 Location: My network is hosted at TECHIEMEDIA.net ...Wait, you meant where am I located at? Oh... okay, I'm in Winnipeg, Canada. Oops. :) Posts: 51,460	I hear good things about golf..... Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 am on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group? They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they would see what they thought. They all agreed, and she said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up setting a course record under par. The guys went nuts, and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week, and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her under score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right and left-handed for the day?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the cover sheet off my husband who sleeps in the nude. If his "you-know-what if is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointing to the left, I golf left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45." __________________ *Promote Wildmatch, ImLive, Sexier.com, and more!!* ALWAYS THE HIGHEST PAYOUTS: Big Bux/ImLive SIGNUP ON NOW!!! Put some PUSSYCA$H in your pocket. ICQ me at: 31024634