Jokes all weekend

[CDSmith]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "is my time up?"God said, "No you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."


Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,"I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"







SCROLL DOWN....YOU'LL LOVE THIS!!!



















God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."

[Hardcore J]

[CDSmith]

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is
both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

[CDSmith]

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said, for my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.


"What a coincidence," she said.

[CDSmith]

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed
it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned
and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five-dollar
bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just
at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway
staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did
you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini,
gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."

[CDSmith]

When a woman asks "Do I look fat?".....


BEST RESPONSES:


"Not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"

"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat
with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker,
so things balance out."

"No, but taking it *off* sure does."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in
a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Not if you were travelling at the speed of light."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged
sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering
that?"

[CDSmith]

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002
(Some may even make you fuckers smile)


Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[Kanoealoha]

Originally posted by CDSmith


"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in
a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

Thats classic

[volante]

Q. What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A. A slut sleeps with everyone. A bitch sleeps with everyone but me.

[http]

Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob


Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.


Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!


Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. Is it in?


Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.


Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[CDSmith]

Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and
gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his
fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and
jumped out of the car. "I've got just two words for you," she screamed.
"Drop dead!" And I've got just two words for you," Roger screamed back.

"Let go!"

[directfiesta]

" switched cocks..." LOL!

[HEARTBREAKER]

LOL

[bringer]

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[bringer]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"

[OzKaNoz]

I'm going to love this thread.
LOL

Oz

[CDSmith]

Some ditties......



At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for
mayor, "Your former secretary said publicly that you have a small penis
would you please comment on this?"
"The truth really is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."


Best line from a woman EVER:

"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the dimly
lit restaurant. "You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your
night can be on me."


Need a new nickname subtitle? --- "Nobody is a virgin anymore, life has fucked us all."


"A blind psychic in Germany claims he can tell people's future by
feeling their naked buttocks. I believe this is called 'asstrology.'" -
Jay Leno


Last week in Manhattan, President Bush attended a fund-raiser and the
crowd began yelling, "Four more years." Apparently, the crowd was
guessing how much longer we would be looking for weapons of mass
destruction. (Conan O'Brien)



Q: Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: 100 ways to wok your dog.

[CDSmith]

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright

organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[CDSmith]

You board members not in a joking mood this weekend? ....... tough shit.



A man & wife are finishing foreplay when she asks the dreaded
question, "Darling would you use a condom?"

Reluctantly he leaves the bed, goes to the dresser and fetches one,
and is putting it on when he sees the bedroom door open & his seven year old
boy saying goodnight to his mother. (Late trip to the bathroom) Mom has pulled
the covers over her head and pretends to be sleeping. Dad with
nowhere to hide falls to the floor on all fours and tries to coverup as best as he can.

The boy looks at Dad and asks, "Dad, uhh what are you doing?"

Dad says, "Ohh, ahhh, just looking for a mouse."

The child says, "Oh Cool!! When you catch him, what are you going to
do, Fuck him?"

[CDSmith]

Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that
VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will
be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now
be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails,
highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
of Mount And Do.

Also, just something to think about....

The long-term implications of drugs and medical
procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few
years, more money has been spent on breast implants
and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's Disease
research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there
will be a large number of people wandering around
with huge breasts and erections who can't remember
what to do with them.

[liquidmoe]

I had planned to work this weekend until I started reading this thread, good job

[CDSmith]

Two women were sitting in the doctor's
waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the
world," said the first, "But I guess it
is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said
the second. "But then everything changed.
That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a
baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it
didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered,

"Try going alone, next time, dearie."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is out shopping and discovers a new
brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed,
he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces
to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes
them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold,
Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?"
she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you
wear Silver, it would be nice if you came
second for a change!"

[MassAppeal]

I'm still laughing at "i didnt recognize you"

[CDSmith]

When I said "all weekend" I meant ALL weekend....


SMART GUY:

The husband got into his grubbiest clothes on
Saturday morning and set about all the chores
he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned
the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway
through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled
up in the driveway and yelled out her window,
"Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered,
"The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

[CDSmith]

BLONDE JOKES.....



1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

A: You have to hollow out the head.

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?

A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.

4. What happened to the all-blonde hockey team?

A: They drowned during Spring Training.

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow stepped on her.

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for French fries.

8. Why do blondes have more fun?

A: They're easier to amuse. (ug!)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted flakes.

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with their hammers. (okay so some of these are brutal)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?

She missed.

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?

A: Data transfer.

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?

A: Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?

A: She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs?

A: She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

16. Why are Asians so smart?

A: No blondes.

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?

A: You get to park in the Handicapped Zone

18. Have you heard the mating call of the blonde?

"I'm so drunk!"

19. What is the mating call of the brunette?

"Is the blonde bitch gone yet?"

20. Did you hear about the remains of the blonde who was found dead in a closet?

She was pronounced "World's hide-and-seek champion - 1984"

[CDSmith]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when
she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red
Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red
Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road
sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts
Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Will you fuck off already? I'm trying to take a shit!"

[C_U_Next_Tuesday]

Originally posted by CDSmith
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when
she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red
Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red
Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road
sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts
Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Will you fuck off already? I'm trying to take a shit!"

[CDSmith]

ANOTHER SHITTY JOKE:


A fellow was travelling on a bus when he got a horrible cramp low in his
bowel. Since there was an "Out of Order" sign on the door of the small
restroom at the rear of the bus, he went to the driver and explained
that he was close to having an urgent situation to deal with.

The driver glared at the fellow, and with a growl, told him he'd just
have to go sit down and hold it, that he wasn't stopping and it would
only be a few minutes before they reached the station.

After a few seconds of hesitation, he 'tightened his grip on things' and
made his way carefully back to his seat.

Minutes later, when the bus pulled into the station, the guy elbowed his
way off the bus and made a mad dash to the men's room. He slammed the
door to the bathroom stall and there was an instant loud sound of gas
and pooping.

A man in the next stall sympathized, "My gosh, you really had to go,
didn't you!"

The fellow replied, "Man, you think that's something, just wait until I
get my pants down!"

[CDSmith]

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having
one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're
lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have
to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his
pecker." Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged
(that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to
fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well, how do you
deal with the problem?" Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting
ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the
loudest, nastiest fart that I can." That night, Bill was already in bed
with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him
start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had
been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her
butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"






Reminds me of my old Wayne Gretzky joke.....

Wayne and his wife Janet Jones are in bed having some foreplay. Wayne is down there munching on Janet's fun box, making loud slurping noises. Janet is looking down at the top of his head, listing to all the slurping, and finally says "Messy eh?"

Gretzky looks up at her and says "No, it's me, WAYNE"

[CDSmith]

The Brits will love this one....



All the Queen's horses

At Heathrow Airport a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air
Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake
from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Rolls Royce
limousine to the edge of central London where they then board an open
17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses.They
ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the
thousands of cheering Britons. So far everything is going well ...
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous,
earth-shaking, eye-smarting blast of "flatulence" ever heard in the
British Empire, so powerful that it shakes the coach. Uncomfortable ...
but; under control, the two Dignitaries of State do their best to ignore
the incident, but embarrassed, the Queen decides it is impossible to
ignore it. "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you
understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control."
Ever the Texas gentleman he is, the President replies, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't
said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses!"

[CDSmith]

Wake the fuck up





WW II joke


The 1st Kamikaze pilot is called in to the General's office, and the
news is broken to him:

General: You have been chosen to be the 1st Kamikaze pilot in the war.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: Your job is to pick out our fastest plane.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You will fly plane toward American fleet.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You will take plane to altitude of 30,000 feet.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You will take plane into tailspin toward American battleship,
fly down tubes of American battleship, and blow to bits for
the glory of Japan.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You got any questions?
Pilot: One Question, Sir.
General: Question granted.
Pilot: Are you out of your fucking mind?!!!!!

[CDSmith]

Wonder what nationality/hair color this mother is?



This young woman brought her child into Children's Hospital
for a routine check-up. On the records, the nurse saw that
the child's first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be
rude, but wanting to know why this woman would name her child this, the
nurse asked her how Urine got her name.

The woman explained, "Well, my baby was born premature and
had to stay in the special nursery. She was real sick and
they didn't know if she would make it. I couldn't decide what to name
her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and
the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator
that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew that they had named my baby."

[SilverTab]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he
thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while
he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her
screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys
and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man
said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and
said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The
voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the
door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and
said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and
wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,
and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[SilverTab]

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."

[CDSmith]

Colonoscopy humor


A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made
while he was performing colonoscopies:


1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."


2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"


3. "Can you hear me NOW?"


4. "Oh boy that was sphincterrific!"


5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"


6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."


7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"


8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."


9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

[CDSmith]

Nobody's laughing over "sphincteriffic"??



Fine, have a limeric......


"Farting with style takes practice,
Perfection takes time, its a gift,
You've first got to learn all the basics,
Like pushing one out in a lift.

Those "silent but violent's" are classics,
With friends it's a really good game,
Fart in a crowd at a party,
Then watch to see who gets the blame.

Now once your technique has been mastered,
You'll know what your bottom can do,
But ALWAYS remember - don't push too hard,
'Cause one day you might shoot out poo."


~ Poet unknown.





"He sat before the judge that day
and picked his nose like fury
He rolled it into little balls
and flicked it at the jury"

[CDSmith]

VIAGRA OVERDOSE....



Concerned about her husband's impotence but aware that he would never
admit it was a problem, the wife went to the family doctor, who
prescribed something to cure it. Stopping off at the pharmacy, she had
the prescription filled. Unfortunately, the druggist misread the
doctor's writing (you know how doctors write) and instead of typing 4
teaspoons on the label, he listed the dosage as 40 teaspoons." The
following day, the wife burst in to the doctor's office. "Whats wrong?"
he asked as he faced the frantic woman. "Didn't the medicine work?" "Did
it ever!!" she replied. "Now I need the antidote so they can shut the
coffin."

[SilverTab]

A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds
and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said bursting into tears.

"Promise you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the there's no
Santa speech. At seven, I got the there's no Easter Bunny
speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the there's no Tooth
Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck,
I'll have nothing left to live for!"

[Joe Average]

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequilla! (ya gotta say it!)

[CDSmith]

Originally posted by SilverTab
If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck,
I'll have nothing left to live for!"

Nice one.


ONCE UPON A TIME....

...In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband
with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the
News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good
as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a
reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:

Reporter: Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown: He does.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs.Brown: No he isn't.
Reporter: I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter: Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown: I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter: Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown: No, it is quite handy.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown: Almost ten months.
Reporter: Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs.Brown: He thought he was.
Reporter: Was the work difficult?
Mrs.Brown: It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter: Is the water plentiful?
Mrs.Brown: Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter: Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs.Brown: No, but quite near it.
Reporter: Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs.Brown: Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter: Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs.Brown: No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter: Do you help him?
Mrs.Brown: I do my level best.
Reporter: Do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs.Brown: No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter: Can I see the nugget?
Mrs.Brown: Certainly.

She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter
departed very quickly.

[CDSmith]

~~A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously...~~

~~Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
~~A day without sunshine is like, night.
~~On the other hand, you have different fingers.
~~I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
~~42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
~~99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
~~I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
~~Honk if you love peace and quiet.
~~Remember half the people you know are below average.
~~He who laughs last thinks slowest.
~~Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
~~The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
~~I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
~~Support Bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
~~Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
~~A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
~~Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
~~Get a new car for your spouse, It'll be a great trade!
~~Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
~~Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.
~~If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple payments.
~~OK, so whets the speed of dark..?
~~How do you tell when your out of invisible ink?
~~If everything seems to be going well, You have obviously overlooked something.
~~When everything is coming your way...Your in the wrong lane.
~~Hard work pays off in the future, Laziness pays off now.
~~Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
~~If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?
~~Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
~~What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
~~I used to have an open mind, But my brain keeps falling out.
~~I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
~~Why do psychics have to ask your name?

~~~~~ And The One I like most~~~~~

~~Inside every older person is a younger person wondering... "What the fuck happened?"

[CDSmith]

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in
walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished,
one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got
wasted."

The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will
marry my mother next year."

Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response
from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never EVER marry my
mother!"

The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you fucking
bastards please pass the salt?"

[CDSmith]

Executive Fantasy

A rich business executive sees an ad in the Wall Street Journal for the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million.

The mogul decides that he must have it, and assigns half a dozen assistants to track the car down for him. After months of searching, the car is found, bought, and delivered. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin.

At the first stop light, an young man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa. Without an invitation, the young man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"

"About 270," answers the executive.

"No way," says the young man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the young man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.

Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the young man on the Vespa.

"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the young man on the Vespa that crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. "Is there anything I can do for you?

"Yes," replied the young man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."

[CDSmith]

Chuckle,chuckle !!!



Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure
do," he replied while he reached into his golf
bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie,
"Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will'" the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there,
waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and
the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells
his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

[TheViper]

what is hairy, wet, and starts with a "c" and ends with a "t" ?








































Coconut

[CDSmith]

What starts with "F" and ends with "U-C-K"?






























Firetruck.

[C_U_Next_Tuesday]

A statue of a man and a woman got struck by lightening and all of a sudden came alive...they took one look at one another , grabbed hands and ran off into the woods....only to return hours later and out of breath.....the male statue looks at the female statue and proclaims "next time you hold the birds down and I will shit on them"

[CDSmith]

Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game (before
Whoopi Goldberg) will appreciate these. These are from the old Hollywood
Squares show in the 70's.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A: Don Knots: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if
he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What
will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice

[CDSmith]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when
a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his
butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the
baby was his and asked what was he going to do about
it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat
until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar,
and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the
meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be
16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been
counting too, tell your mother, when you take this
parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat
she'll get, and watch the expression on her
face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman
nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell
him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free
groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression
on HIS face!"

[CDSmith]

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After
her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and
the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical
health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those
things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?
Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him
out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical
health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those
things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the
bell ring 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"